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Olympic Innovation in Solo Events

Conversation in Some Sort of Context, Could have Been an Olympian or Even a Porn Star Edition:
“That Old Spice guy is pretty buff. He could have been an Olympian.”
“Perhaps he’s not an athlete. Simply being all ripped doesn’t necessarily mean that you have the coordination and whatnot.”
“But he’s like more muscular than some of the people in these events. Well, not more than these Russian chicks, but overall.”
“With that logic, I could have been a movie star.”
“Ummm…”
“I mean I have the equipment, I just never could polish the technique.”
“There are a lot of solo events. in the Olympics. You could have tried that. I mean those do involve a lot of tossing of things.”
“Imagine it… ‘Jim, we’ve seen a lot of innovation at the games over the years, from Fosbury’s flop to those weird bubble people in Albertville, but never anything quite like this.'”
“‘I agree, Bob. While many competitors would stick to the tried and true thrust-and-release technique, he really hangs in there and gives it his all, really working that thing.'”
“‘It hasn’t been an easy ride for him to get here. There is a lot of controversy regarding his use of questionable supplements, his taping of a photo of Bea Arthur inside of his sunglasses, questions of whether he’s been hypnotized to only think about Baseball stats… Not to mention the overt sponsorship from the Shake Weight people.'”
“‘Good thing for him that there’s no time limit. Unfortunately there is no dedicated clean-up crew either, so we’re seeing a lot of the guys having to alter their approach and foot plant angles.'”
“‘There have been complaints as well about him leaving sandwich crumbs behind, falling asleep during interviews, using an exorbitant amount of talc in the later rounds…'”
[family member who asked not to be named enters room]
“What are you guys talking about?”
“Innovation in the Olympics… More specifically how the Javelin throw could benefit from a partnership.”
“We didn’t get that far. We’ve only really discussed it as a solo event, but I do like the way you think.”
“I may just go back in the other room.”
“Hey, what’s a Shake Weight?”
“I’m definitely leaving.”

The Dangers of Poor Spelling, Episode 71: Nudity Roulette

It is “wax nostalgic,” not “whack nostalgic.”

While I may know what you had MEANT, it did not stop my brain from taking a sharp turn into “OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST PLEASE NO NO NONONONONONO!!!” Land. So yeah… thanks for that.
Today I had a moment to whack nostalgic, and considering the wonderful memories of bachelorhood during the internet boom, there was but one logical solution to come of it all: All things considered, I’m switching back to dial-up internet. My logic being that all of this high-speed goodness has removed the fun of searching for random things, or as I used to call it, “Nudity Roulette.”
The game was simple enough: You start by searching for something relatively tame (and a bit far from dirty, mind you), and then you’d find that one image that made you think twice before clicking away, but you’d go ahead anyway. In the early days, the algorithms (hang on a second… Internet. That dial-up beepy sound thing. Al Gore. Al-Gore-rhythms. Hmmm.) weren’t really dialed-in (oh, they wrote themselves, kids) yet, so you were taking shots in the dark as it were most days. And then it would begin loading, and with each row of pixels you’d be all like “Oh-kay… certainly NOT what I was expecting here, and what’s with the ocelot?” And then BAM!
The rest loads and “she” has a penis.
Oh, internet… let’s try that again and double-check the spelling of “Italian Pope” a bit closer.
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