When discussing back yard landscaping, the majority of homeowners are likely to gravitate toward the classics, like a pool, or a built-in barbecue island, or perhaps a kitschy little Tiki Lounge feel. While a safe bet, any of those can still be polarizing when it’s time to sell.
This whole “home as investment/future resale value” thing in mind, we’ve opted for something a bit more unique:
Simulated landscaping (fiberglass trees, sculpted rock formations, full backdrops and lighting). Handcrafted by Hollywood set masters, it covers the electric over hydraulic lift helipad which lowers into a semi-finished underground lair.
The plan here is to market the house to a despot or super villain, as those cats have some serious buying power, and it’s usually in the form of piles of cash, or pallets of gold bars… or even German Bearer Bonds in a handy, portable canvas bag. In the listing, we’ll appeal to their inner sense of pride in evil-doing. We do this by describing the helipad and covert underground access and addressing the lack of a pool as not being so much a missing amenity, but an expansion opportunity as the neighbors are lily-livered at best, and already have a well-maintained pool. Taking over the surrounding properties would provide all sorts of additional buildings for use in crafting a compound, versus settling for a measly “hideout” like those lesser villains.
We’ll slide this gem into the ad as well: “Privacy is a must for any rogue dictator-to-be, and this property backs to a tree-lined greenbelt, providing not only sight-lines, but the potential to be easily converted and utilized as a spacious killing field, should your newest citizens attempt some coup or other nonsense.”
Actual conversation in my home (and either damned good reasoning to purchase a Miracle Ear for myself, or one heck of a play to save $.99 on an app):
“Why in the hell would you want super-saggy, aromatic, pocket-sweaty testicles?!”
“No, Dad. I said ‘Supersonic Acrobatic Rocket-Powered Battle-Cars’.”
“Oh… Not sure that sounds much better. Let’s just forget this ever happened.”
“So can I get it?”
“Never mind. I’ll ask Grandma.”
“You’ll speak no such filth to your Grandmother.”
“Just forget it.”