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Contemplating the GREATEST FURNITURE SALE

Sit back and enjoy another “Conversation Borne of Extreme Misunderstanding of Terms and Conditions” or “Brian’s Wishful Thinking, A Ride Through Old Town on a Holiday Weekend” Edition:

“Look at that, will you? ‘Greatest Furniture Sale!’ That’s some lofty expectation.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The sign stretched across the street with the huge red letters proclaiming GREATEST FURNITURE SALE! and then repeated on every pane of glass on their facade. That’s some self-assurance, sale-wise. Good on them.”
“Maybe it’s in some proportion to the other stores right here in the neighborhood.”
“They’re the only furniture store in the neighborhood. That’s almost defeatist if you see it like that. We went from sixty to zero with that kind of local thinking.”
“What if it IS the greatest furniture sale then? What if you went in there and were amazed by it? Like the sort of a sale that becomes etched into the history of the town, eclipsing even the importance of the holiday weekend it was held.”
“Maybe they give you a blowjob.”
“WHAT??!”
“That would be great. I’ll take the sofa!”
“Ummm…”
“Sir, this purchase includes fellatio. Would you like that now or…? And the sales guy is holding the intercom all ready to page someone over for ‘assistance’ and some customer is all deep in thought like ‘Oh! I could do this now OR maybe at delivery, but this stuff looks heavy, and what if they outsource delivery and some burly dudes show up all like ‘No overtime this week, so I’ll be providing the perk included with your purchase’ and that would be bad, so he’s all like ‘Honey, wait here,’ and then gives a thumbs-up to the sales guy and he pages ‘Destiny to End Tables. Destiny, End Tables for Greatest Sale promotional assistance, please!’ ”
“You’re implying that only men buy furniture.”
“This store IS in the ‘Heritage District.’ Also, you can’t really give a woman a blowjob. The fine print probably states this clearly. OK, in this new world order bullshit, maybe. Like Bruce Jenner buys a nice armoire and settee and…”
“…and we’re done with this conversation.”

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All Traditions Start Somewhere

Hung lights this weekend, and kept the theme simple and clean… Which was the polar opposite of my idea:

Life-size manger scene in yard.

Live action, featuring actors from local dinner theater and ex-Jim Rose Circus Sideshow performers. Gore effects by Tom Savini. Lighting and practical weather effects controlled via sweet Arduino set-up. Soundtrack streaming on local FM band for passers-by in their vehicles featuring Sound Garden’s “Birth Ritual”, “Giving Birth to a Stone” by Peach, Christopher Lee’s “A Heavy Metal Christmas” and a selection of other traditional holiday songs from Marilyn Manson. Every 45 minutes, an animatronic William S. Burroughs would rise from the lawn and read his classic The Junky’s Christmas to the kids.

A cleverly-positioned t-shirt gun distributes candy to everyone in a thirty-five foot radius at 500 feet per second, as a manner of illustrating how all good things must come through pain.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my holidays traditional as fuck.

Do Something BIG.

This Christmas season, help a kid or family in need.

Each year, the tradition in our home is to not buy one another a gift. Rather, we “adopt” as many Christmas Angels as we can afford, shopping for wish list items such as clothing, jackets, school supplies and a toy or two. We always throw in some extra art and craft supplies in the hope of inspiring the next artist or designer… or maybe get their mind off of the things that are a bit too big for a kid to have to deal with. And while we can’t help every child, we can try to inspire others to do likewise, and that may help a few more in many communities across the nation.

That said, I’m closing the online store on our website through the end of the year. Please excuse any inconvenience, but I felt it beat to put my money where my mouth is, and lead by example. If you can find it within your means, please reach out locally, and try to help someone who may not be able to help themselves, and offer a helping hand.

That said, thanks for your consideration, and Merry Christmas.

Halloween: Making it Safer for the Rest of Us

Another night of these begging little bastards with their iPhones and $200 sneakers, being dropped off in our neighborhood by yoga pant-wearing women driving Lexus and BMW SUV’s to mooch free food.

In keeping with tradition, we’ll hand out condoms in the hope that these pint-sized ingrates will take them home and prevent their parents from having any more children that they can’t feed.

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