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Michelin Star Meat With a Binder

All of this talk regarding Super Bowl commercials, namely for cars and lumber and whatnot… And yet not a lot of buzz for SPAM.

It was the commercials for this wonder meat (I have already Trademarked “WonderMeat” for an adult cartoon series, so don’t get any ideas) that got my brain working yesterday. It’s such an underrated cut, you’d become clinically depressed just considering that the following exchange would never take place in some Michelin star restaurant:

“Why, yes... I’d like the Spamderloin. In fact, how about the Filet Spamignon?”
“Would you like that bacon-wrapped?”
“Seems rather redundant, but certainly.”

You’d have to wonder, though, what sort of a meat genius you’d have to be in order to discern the individual cuts of SPAM.

“Dis ‘ere, uh, particular cut is dee, uh, leg of SPAM. Which is, as you know, is remarkably similar to da arm of SPAM, as well as da chuck, loin and flank. Da majestic SPAM, when raised free-range, develops a little more devoisity in its physical appearance, as noted ovah ‘ere, wit dese little caps of gelatin-like substance.”

Laying it Out There

Far be it for me to dump on a dream, but no matter how good the food or service or atmosphere, I’d imagine that the hardest part of opening your own artisanal grilled cheese sandwich restaurant would be realizing that you’d never really have any “regular” customers.

The Science of Snack Foods

You know why Sun Chips come packaged in those opaque bags? I think it has a lot to do with that near baby-shit brown coloring of the chips themselves. Had they been packaged like normal snack foods, you’d see them behind that little window in the bag and think “Those look more Earthy than the name implies. Perhaps more like the contents of the colostomy bag found attached to a mummy. I am an American, and demand that MY Sun Chips look more yellow, as the sun itself,” and then Neil Degrasse Tyson could step in and reclassify the snack as something else, because that’s what astrophysicists do, obviously.

And don’t even get me started on the potential of a sixteen show series from Michio Kaku that would dig deeper into the mystery of the off-colored “red giant” chip, or the even more rare stellar collision, wherein two chips have merged into one unit (occasionally, there’s like five PLUS in some globular cluster, forming this nebula of not-quite Sun Chippy-goodness that you avoid because it’s more like the weird characters in Tod Browning’s 1932 film Freaks than some food, and you just can’t bring yourself to touch it, but can rest assured that some talent-less hack would have stolen the entire premise for a shitty cable series like some eighty years down the road).

That said, try a little fucking harder, Sun Chips. I demand accountability from my snacks. Now, about this “Milky Way” bar, and the obviously sloppy anatomical research by the “Butterfinger” people…

Stool Pigeon Flushes Cheaters in Professional Poo Design Competition Doping Scandal

Talking shit with the kid:

“What other foods come out of your butt almost whole? I mean like peanuts do. And corn sometimes…”
“Some leafy foods make it out almost whole. You could probably expect that if you accidentally swallowed a penny, maybe. I’d suppose that tinsel might.”
“You could take an artsy poop if you planned it.”
“Like bedazzling your poo? ‘Hey, I’m going to eat rhinestones and poodazzle.’ If you gag on something, it would be ‘pukedazzle.’ Worst. Activity toy. Ever.”
“We could have a contest to see who can take the shiniest dump. Or puke up something that looks like a painting.”
“We’d need a lot of legal paperwork.”
“Paperwork! That’s funny.”
“We put a link to an Amazon store and sell peanuts and corn and marbles and sequins and other stuff, and then people mix it with their food and make poo. We’d make money… on BOTH ENDS! (awkward pause for laughter that never came) Then they post a picture, and people vote.”
“You could win a huge pack of toilet paper. Or breath mints.”
“There should be controversy… Maybe we find out that a contestant is doping with Ex-Lax… or they’re bulimic: ‘Hey, that makes you like semi-pro! DISQUALIFIED.’ The headlines read ‘Stool Pigeon Flushes Out Cheaters in Doping Scandal.'”
“This is starting to get weird.”

This little exchange gave me a great idea for a story (which I figured best to NOT share with the kid) about a school janitor who takes a new job at a strip club, and one night someone pukes, and he can’t find the sawdust or floor dry, so he uses glitter. I can probably milk that for about a hundred or so pages as an internal monologue (or even further should I explore the side stories of what led to the vomit spill – and away we go!), but it lacks a title. Feel free to discuss.

Adventures in Dining, Episodic Meltdown Edition: “Going All Continental, Part IV”


FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!! Someone is trying to KILL ME!! Just HOW IN THE FUCK did THAT get in there?! What in the…”
“DO YOU NOT SEE IT?! IT’S A… a… Oh… never mind. It’s, uh…. I think it’s alright. OK…OK, it’s fine.
I think it’s just a caper.”

Tastes like…

Actual Breakfast conversation: Ethical Cannibalism.

“I don’t believe that it would be as simple as a cut-and-dried argument about just WHICH people would be eaten.”


“True. They would have to be ‘food-safe’ or inspected like beef and so-on.”


“Are we talking people farms? Like ‘we can breed them in Montana, and have mini malls for free-range Edifolks – great name, by the way – or just huge houses with them being bred and fattened-up in front of TV’s…. Or more like punishment? ‘Your sentence is to become a meal, douchebag.’ That would open some doors to arguments. And interesting zoning meetings, I’d bet.”


“I like Edifolks. Or Meatple.”


“I would like the Shepherd Pie, and my little lady there has a hankerin’ for some cowboy burger.”


(laughter, sounding much like the gibbon cage at the zoo is sporadically interrupted with a variety of names for culinary treats such as “Lou-sagna”)


“I think we’d just need to concentrate more on breeding good-natured people to avoid anything like Mad Cow.”


“OK, forget all that. The big question is ‘would you eat it?’ I mean, no market means no point in building the farms.”


“It would really depend on how they taste. I mean, a neutral taste like pork or whatever could be OK, because like Chinese food, you could season it, and it could pass for a lot of things.”


“Even more useful would be if humans tasted like turkey. Because they use turkey to imitate beef AND pork. Like turkey bacon, for instance.”


“The real trick, then would be to raise the people you’re planning on eating much as you’d raise a turkey.”


“So, like, to get that right flavor?”


“Exactly. Like you know how corn-fed beef tastes different than grass-fed beef?”


“Oh, yeah! So like, if you had cereal-fed food people, they might taste different than the ones you feed only Burger King.”



“For future cannibalism. It’s probably going to happen, so we’re desensitizing ourselves to the possibility. Like a new area in the meat counter at the supermarket. That brings us back to ‘Free-Range Meatple’ and whatnot.”

“See how progressive we are?”


“I’ll have the Moo-Shu Dork, please.”


“I’m eating light. Do you have anything on the Vegan menu?”


“Do you think the Mulims would…“


“Leg quarters would be a huge meal on their own.”

“Perhaps you need to switch to a leaner brand.”

Age and Snacking Habits

If it’s true that your tastes change every ten years or so, it bears mentioning just how much I presently enjoy pizza-flavored snacks.

HOWEVER: I should note that if I were ever served a pizza that tasted like any of these snacks, I’d be one pissed-off motherfucker.

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