Oh, Hollywood, when will you learn?
NO ONE wants to see a classic movie like Ghostbusters ruined by changing it all up to become some all-woman buddy movie, as evidenced by the deafening silence in theaters. You re-make, re-launch and re-define everything until the life is sucked from it time and again, and we the viewing public take the brunt of the abuse.
I’d suggest pulling out of these cluster-fucks once and for all, and not subjecting us to any more “creative” torture. Please don’t even consider casting Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy and Jennifer Lawrence in Band of Sisters. Or thinking along that line, Rosie O’Donnell as Henrietta Hill in Goodsisters, or skipping ahead into The Godmother: Part II starring Angelina Jolie. Dirty Harriet starring Sandra Locke, or Kate Beckinsale in the relaunch of Lethal (But Stylish!) Weapon. Jennifer Garner and Janeane Garofalo in a comic team-up relaunch of the Charles Bronson Death Wish series (could even go all wicked witch/fairy princess-like and make it about a fantasy wish of death OR an empowering film about a female extreme sports junkie in true Hollywood bullshit fashion), or a Smokey and the Bandit relaunch with Sandra Bullock and Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah (with Lena Dunham and Gabourey Sidibe as a mixed-race, plus-size, same-sex cop duo)… Or dare you cross the line into sacred territory and completely ruin Caddyshack by making it a feel-good, all-female Summer romp starring Jodie Foster, Jane Lynch, Meredith Baxter and Sara Gilbert, in which the main plot centers around liberal talking points and female empowerment, set against the backdrop of the Bush Presidency. The Diva Dozen could be an ensemble musical which is anchored by the return to the big screen of Lindsay Lohan, while the more eco-sensitive classic chase scene from Bullitt could have a bio diesel-powered Volvo pitted against a Prius, but filmed somewhere relatively flat, like Kate Hudson.
Again, Hollywood, these are not pitches. It’s time to go home and rethink some things. What do you say?
If you’re a band and looking to create a video for a B-side single, the least that you can do is hire a B-movie director to craft the thing. It just makes sense, you know?
Focusing on the golden era of music videos, I can’t help but imagine “Murder By Numbers” from the Police, set as a Larry Cohen short film, with the numbers in question bridging It’s Alive with a slightly more cerebral The Stuff. Better than that, a Troma Pictures-esque video for “How Soon is Now?” from the Smiths… Or even a super-low budget Robert Rodriguez-directed “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell, which, while not a true B-side in that form, it was originally a Gloria Jones tune (1964; re-released in ’76, and then covered by Soft Cell in 1981 should you be keeping score), which could be an utterly epic, if not campy sci-fi-thriller about imported love that is, well, tainted with a virus. Or a present-day Jerry Lewis in a Rob Zombie-directed remake of Michael Jackson’s Thriller short, but using the original cut, “Starlight.”
Or we can abandon the B-side thing in favor of an Adam Jones stop-motion epic for The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me” (which was the A-side to the terrible “Seconds” – don’t get me wrong, that whole JFK thing could work as a John Waters send-up), set as a peek into the breaking mind of a jilted lover… So many ideas.
Considering that in modern-day Hollywood, virtually everything can benefit from a remake, I’m finding time to finish a script idea that could go one of two ways:
1. ZAPRUDER! becomes a musical comedy, set in a just-off-Broadway theme, but as told from an independent filmmaker who is attempting to make the stage production of a play about another independent filmmaker who happens to capture an historic event on camera (only to later record over most of it with Gong Show reruns) into a feature film, but is doing so in guerrilla style, so as to avoid paying any of the actors, using the ruse of filming a “making of the documentary about the making of the play.” It’s all very Inception meets the Twilight Zone, but with the tone of an early episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Assuming that the show were produced in the universe of A Clockwork Orange.
2. Zapruder: Rise of the Third Gunman becomes a 3-hour, single tracking shot action epic with Michael Bay-style explosions, telling the story of the Kennedy assassination… I’m leaning toward this, as the sheer joy of having Bruce Willis wander off-set in the final moments of the perfect shot leaves me tingling with anxiety.
Failing those, we could simply head back to the toilet and drop back into a parody:
No matter what effects or gimmicks or star-studded cast you throw at a movie… No matter the provenance of the script or the marketing power of the franchise, it will always pale in my eyes to John Waters’ Pink Flamingos. And that’s because no dogfight between the Millennium Falcon and seventeen TIE Fighters, nor the sinking of the Titanic or even the seamless CGI raising from the dead of James Cagney and Marilyn Monroe for an even more graphic remake of that scene on the stairs in A History of Violence can compare to the mind-etching, life-altering, stomach-churning experience of watching a three-hundred pound drag queen eat a dog turd. If art is meant to elicit a response that changes you, then yes, this trumps a midget trying to steal a ring from an animated dragon.
My thinking is that we get Bruce Jenner to bulk up, and remake that movie. I have another casting suggestion but she has a tight vacation schedule and we don’t have a lot of room in the budget for a treadmill.
Up next: We’ll cast my mash-up homage to Dirty Dancing and Scanners.
Nobody puts Revok in the corner.
Quote out of context that bred a movie idea:
“If you you stop to think about it, there’s probably little more terrifying in the world than a wedge-style, tractor-pulling chassis lumbering at wide-open throttle toward your town… Even more so if it’s covered with the papier mache penis-shaped parade float body that the drivers of said machine stole from you on the last trek down the hill.
We could craft an entire sub-plot centered around the citizens forced to help push it back up the hill following the plundering. This is gold.”
Granted, it’s no remake or live-action version of a seventy year old animated classic… or even a trilogy based on a thirteen page short story, but with a few hundred million in CGI effects, this could be the blockbuster you need, even if you did nothing to deserve it.