Conversation Gone Awry: Dinner With the Youngest/Vocabulary Skills Edition:
“So how was school today?
“OK. We talked about a lot of stuff in Technology.”
“Do you know what ‘patricide’ is?”
“I’m not certain that I like where this is headed.”
“It’s when you kill your Dad.”
“You want dessert? Maybe a car?”
“…and there’s matricide.”
“Or mattress-cide. But that takes a lot of planning and upper body strength. I mean you can’t be too covert carrying around a California King… or better, a QUEEN-SIZE, and then snuffing someone with it, and running away. That would really confuse the cops, though. ‘Detective, we’re stumped. All of these victims appear to have been suffocated by something heavy, but soft.'”
“OOH! ‘But they look comfortable. No pressure points.'”
“Yes! We need an ’80’s cop one-liner… ‘I guess his sleep-number came up.'”
“‘The best AND worst night’s sleep EVER.'”
“BETTER: There’s a copy-cat murderer who is dragging around an old Craftmatic Adjustable bed. He gets caught quickly, though. Those are heavy, I’d imagine.”
“Why not just use a pillow?”
“This guy is too crafty for that. He tailors the mattress to the victim. ‘This bastard here… He’s getting futon-ed.’ Maybe his grand finale is dropping a sleeper sofa from a roof…”
“You’re weird, Dad.”
Let’s peek in on another family meal, shall we?
“You, uh, have something on one of your chins.”
“No… Go like nine lower.”
“I don’t believe that it would be as simple as a cut-and-dried argument about just WHICH people would be eaten.”
“True. They would have to be ‘food-safe’ or inspected like beef and so-on.”
“Are we talking people farms? Like ‘we can breed them in Montana, and have mini malls for free-range Edifolks – great name, by the way – or just huge houses with them being bred and fattened-up in front of TV’s…. Or more like punishment? ‘Your sentence is to become a meal, douchebag.’ That would open some doors to arguments. And interesting zoning meetings, I’d bet.”
“I like Edifolks. Or Meatple.”
“I would like the Shepherd Pie, and my little lady there has a hankerin’ for some cowboy burger.”
(laughter, sounding much like the gibbon cage at the zoo is sporadically interrupted with a variety of names for culinary treats such as “Lou-sagna”)
“I think we’d just need to concentrate more on breeding good-natured people to avoid anything like Mad Cow.”
“OK, forget all that. The big question is ‘would you eat it?’ I mean, no market means no point in building the farms.”
“It would really depend on how they taste. I mean, a neutral taste like pork or whatever could be OK, because like Chinese food, you could season it, and it could pass for a lot of things.”
“Even more useful would be if humans tasted like turkey. Because they use turkey to imitate beef AND pork. Like turkey bacon, for instance.”
“The real trick, then would be to raise the people you’re planning on eating much as you’d raise a turkey.”
“So, like, to get that right flavor?”
“Exactly. Like you know how corn-fed beef tastes different than grass-fed beef?”
“Oh, yeah! So like, if you had cereal-fed food people, they might taste different than the ones you feed only Burger King.”
“For future cannibalism. It’s probably going to happen, so we’re desensitizing ourselves to the possibility. Like a new area in the meat counter at the supermarket. That brings us back to ‘Free-Range Meatple’ and whatnot.”
“See how progressive we are?”
“I’ll have the Moo-Shu Dork, please.”
“I’m eating light. Do you have anything on the Vegan menu?”
“Do you think the Mulims would…“
“Leg quarters would be a huge meal on their own.”
“Perhaps you need to switch to a leaner brand.”
We’ve thrown a few free line art files up on the website for you to grab and spend some quality time with your kids this Inktober (while I neglect mine in favor of finishing a ton of last-minute SEMA Show afterthought nonsense for clients who lack the “planning” and “scheduling” genes).
Nearly two fists full of car art, ranging from street rods to kustom cars and slammed trucks, all ready to be downloaded, printed and attacked with pencils, crayons, markers or airbrush (or even by spitting ink or food coloring at them, should you be so crafty and weird – or brave, depending upon the pigments you select). Granted, these are for your fun and entertainment only, so we hope that you’ll use them to inspire the kids (or even yourself, should you wish) to get creating.
Our hope is that you’ll share these with your kids, and make some memories as Fall settles in… Or should you have forgotten the joy of putting some color down on a car drawing, that you’ll re-discover that buzz, and perhaps even bust out the pencils and get sketching some of your own…
Keep in mind that these are presented in good faith, and not to be used in any other way except as stated. If you’d like a one-off piece of art, give me a shout, and we can arrange for that. After all, this is how I feed my kids, and buy them neat things like shoes and crayons to color line art with.
A big shout to our friends over at Welder Series for getting this ball rolling with us (DW ships a selection of coloring pages with each order!), and for their support of this whole mess over the years. You know we love you guys. And not simply because you live in the land of Hockey, Tim Horton’s and poutine.
That said, we hope you enjoy the art and the memories made, and check back often as we’ll add more variety as time allows! Oh, you can grab these things here, BTW: http://bit.ly/color-these