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Dinner Conversation Gone Below the Belt: Busting a Drupe

 
“I’d really like to try a coconut that’s more solid inside… You know how coconuts have like different periods of development?”
“Like puberty?”
“That’s why they’re hairy.”
“This is why we can’t have conversations at the table; immature comments like that.”
“Perhaps it’s the subject matter.”
“This isn’t immature. It can be scientific. For instance, the coconut’s scientific name is ‘Cocos nucifera.’ See? Not immature. Educational, in fact, dare I say enlightened, dropping science-y words and stuff.”
“Now it has an international flavor about it; historical if you count the whole ‘dead language’ thing. This just went all Mensa. And ‘Cocos nucifera’ translates literally to ‘nut bearing.’”
“Which explains why you want one in your mouth. NOW it’s immature. See what you brought upon yourself?”
“I’m done.”
“You were done when you chose to talk about solid, hairy nuts.”
“Drupes, to be technical. A drupe has an outer skin with a semi-solid shell and a pit or seed inside. A coconut is a drupe… and technically, your nuts are closer to drupes.”
“And even more so as you get old, and they touch the toilet water.”
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The Inner-Spring Workings of a Killer

Conversation Gone Awry: Dinner With the Youngest/Vocabulary Skills Edition:

“So how was school today?
“OK. We talked about a lot of stuff in Technology.”
“Like what?”
“Do you know what ‘patricide’ is?”
“I’m not certain that I like where this is headed.”
“It’s when you kill your Dad.”
“You want dessert? Maybe a car?”
“…and there’s matricide.”
“Or mattress-cide. But that takes a lot of planning and upper body strength. I mean you can’t be too covert carrying around a California King… or better, a QUEEN-SIZE, and then snuffing someone with it, and running away. That would really confuse the cops, though. ‘Detective, we’re stumped. All of these victims appear to have been suffocated by something heavy, but soft.'”
“OOH! ‘But they look comfortable. No pressure points.'”
“Yes! We need an ’80’s cop one-liner… ‘I guess his sleep-number came up.'”
“‘The best AND worst night’s sleep EVER.'”
“BETTER: There’s a copy-cat murderer who is dragging around an old Craftmatic Adjustable bed. He gets caught quickly, though. Those are heavy, I’d imagine.”
“Why not just use a pillow?”
“This guy is too crafty for that. He tailors the mattress to the victim. ‘This bastard here… He’s getting futon-ed.’ Maybe his grand finale is dropping a sleeper sofa from a roof…”
“You’re weird, Dad.”

Father’s Day in Perspective

A few thoughts on Father’s Day, if you don’t mind…
 
I have been blessed with one of the Good Ones. I’ve known a few people over the years who weren’t so lucky. Perhaps they lost their Dad early in life due to health-related incidents or an accident, or maybe the guy just didn’t stick around. Life can be pretty cruel like that, and my heart goes out to all of you who may be without your Father today.
 
I have been fortunate to still have mine around, and he’s close by. That’s awesome, and something I didn’t think too much about when I lived across the street from him (and you thought my life was like a sit-com in OTHER respects? You don’t know the half of it), or even when I lived under the roof that he and my Mom worked so hard to keep overhead. When I lost my Mom, I gained a new perspective on my father, and learned a lot about picking up the pieces and moving on, but still paying respect to those you lose. And hat perspective fit neatly into all of the lessons he’s taught me over the years, strengthening values and giving me a great foundation upon which to build the three young men that I’ve been blessed to be a a Dad to. And hopefully those guys go out and do likewise when the time comes for them to have children, with the added benefit of more colorful language and cool techniques for throwing phones and pencils. Scratch that last bit.
 
My father has been my number one fan, pushing me through dark times when my hands weren’t (and AREN’T) quite working right, and getting me to see things as they are, not some deary vision I tend to cloak over things from time to time. Perspective. There it is again. The man knows how to view things realistically, yet optimistically. While I tend to lean toward pessimism, I do often give pause to what he’d take from a given situation, and find myself calling on him for advice quite often to this day. He’s saved a lot of people some dental work, listening to and diffusing me when needed.
 
The man gave me a sense of the absurd, an appreciation for dry humor and fart jokes alike, and the knowledge of when to employ each. He’s taught me to go into a fight prepared, and when to act dumb enough to get away with something, or use that to lower and adversary’s guard… But to always fight fair, and even to fight only as a last resort. It’s not about winning for the sake of winning. Keeping things in perspective. I see a theme here.
 
I’m not proud that there are times when I get so busy that I’m short with him. I’m coming to realize that nothing in life is worth that, and if you haven’t yet done likewise, take pause and do so now. I’m lucky to have great advice, moral support or a dirty joke just a phone call or few miles down the road, and thank God that I’ve grown up just enough to know what that is worth. Perspective again.
 
That said, with Father’s Day coming up, you now know who to blame for this mess that is me… And that’s a beautiful thing, because if you see the both of us in one place, you can’t say that you haven’t been warned.
 
A Happy Father’s Day to all of you out there who have taken on the job of putting things into perspective for your kids, or who are gaining some from your own Dad presently, or even reflecting on that which he left behind for you.

The Leftover Uncertainty Principle. And Farts.

For years, I was convinced that we had somehow become stewards of Schrödinger’s refrigerator; at any given moment there may or may not have been food in it.
Since the oldest sons have moved out, it has not only become much more stable in there (a sort of “consumable constant” has emerged), but my fears of some Kitchen Aid warming/milk entropy state have dissipated exponentially.
On the opposite side, I am down two persons upon which to blame fart noises.

Sim Despot and His Dad

The other day, my son was playing Sim City, and I realized that it’s not only a grand metaphor, but also a fantastic tool to have handy when preparing for parenthood later in life.

“Seriously?! That’s all they do is complain!”

“What?”

“My citizens all want things, but it’s always stuff I don’t have money for! They just keep whining and complaining. Don’t they get it? We can’t afford that right now. You have a home and food and other stuff. Leave me alone.”

“This sounds familiar.”

At this point, it took an ugly turn. There was fear that the people living in his city may pack up and leave. As a parent, it’s one thing to see your kid fail. In this case, it was a moment of pride as he showed his true colors and switched from harried city planner to despotic overlord:

“How can you leave when I’ve shut down the buses?! In fact, I’ll just take the buses away. There is no escape. How do you like me now?”

Stool Pigeon Flushes Cheaters in Professional Poo Design Competition Doping Scandal

Talking shit with the kid:

“What other foods come out of your butt almost whole? I mean like peanuts do. And corn sometimes…”
“Some leafy foods make it out almost whole. You could probably expect that if you accidentally swallowed a penny, maybe. I’d suppose that tinsel might.”
“You could take an artsy poop if you planned it.”
“Like bedazzling your poo? ‘Hey, I’m going to eat rhinestones and poodazzle.’ If you gag on something, it would be ‘pukedazzle.’ Worst. Activity toy. Ever.”
“We could have a contest to see who can take the shiniest dump. Or puke up something that looks like a painting.”
“We’d need a lot of legal paperwork.”
“Paperwork! That’s funny.”
“We put a link to an Amazon store and sell peanuts and corn and marbles and sequins and other stuff, and then people mix it with their food and make poo. We’d make money… on BOTH ENDS! (awkward pause for laughter that never came) Then they post a picture, and people vote.”
“You could win a huge pack of toilet paper. Or breath mints.”
“There should be controversy… Maybe we find out that a contestant is doping with Ex-Lax… or they’re bulimic: ‘Hey, that makes you like semi-pro! DISQUALIFIED.’ The headlines read ‘Stool Pigeon Flushes Out Cheaters in Doping Scandal.'”
“This is starting to get weird.”

This little exchange gave me a great idea for a story (which I figured best to NOT share with the kid) about a school janitor who takes a new job at a strip club, and one night someone pukes, and he can’t find the sawdust or floor dry, so he uses glitter. I can probably milk that for about a hundred or so pages as an internal monologue (or even further should I explore the side stories of what led to the vomit spill – and away we go!), but it lacks a title. Feel free to discuss.

More Chins Than…

Let’s peek in on another family meal, shall we?

“You, uh, have something on one of your chins.”
“Here?”
“No… Go like nine lower.”

Ah, kids.

Do Something BIG.

This Christmas season, help a kid or family in need.

Each year, the tradition in our home is to not buy one another a gift. Rather, we “adopt” as many Christmas Angels as we can afford, shopping for wish list items such as clothing, jackets, school supplies and a toy or two. We always throw in some extra art and craft supplies in the hope of inspiring the next artist or designer… or maybe get their mind off of the things that are a bit too big for a kid to have to deal with. And while we can’t help every child, we can try to inspire others to do likewise, and that may help a few more in many communities across the nation.

That said, I’m closing the online store on our website through the end of the year. Please excuse any inconvenience, but I felt it beat to put my money where my mouth is, and lead by example. If you can find it within your means, please reach out locally, and try to help someone who may not be able to help themselves, and offer a helping hand.

That said, thanks for your consideration, and Merry Christmas.

Tastes like…

Actual Breakfast conversation: Ethical Cannibalism.

“I don’t believe that it would be as simple as a cut-and-dried argument about just WHICH people would be eaten.”

 

“True. They would have to be ‘food-safe’ or inspected like beef and so-on.”

 

“Are we talking people farms? Like ‘we can breed them in Montana, and have mini malls for free-range Edifolks – great name, by the way – or just huge houses with them being bred and fattened-up in front of TV’s…. Or more like punishment? ‘Your sentence is to become a meal, douchebag.’ That would open some doors to arguments. And interesting zoning meetings, I’d bet.”

 

“I like Edifolks. Or Meatple.”

 

“I would like the Shepherd Pie, and my little lady there has a hankerin’ for some cowboy burger.”

 

(laughter, sounding much like the gibbon cage at the zoo is sporadically interrupted with a variety of names for culinary treats such as “Lou-sagna”)

 

“I think we’d just need to concentrate more on breeding good-natured people to avoid anything like Mad Cow.”

 

“OK, forget all that. The big question is ‘would you eat it?’ I mean, no market means no point in building the farms.”

 

“It would really depend on how they taste. I mean, a neutral taste like pork or whatever could be OK, because like Chinese food, you could season it, and it could pass for a lot of things.”

 

“Even more useful would be if humans tasted like turkey. Because they use turkey to imitate beef AND pork. Like turkey bacon, for instance.”

 

“The real trick, then would be to raise the people you’re planning on eating much as you’d raise a turkey.”

 

“So, like, to get that right flavor?”

 

“Exactly. Like you know how corn-fed beef tastes different than grass-fed beef?”

 

“Oh, yeah! So like, if you had cereal-fed food people, they might taste different than the ones you feed only Burger King.”

 

 

“For future cannibalism. It’s probably going to happen, so we’re desensitizing ourselves to the possibility. Like a new area in the meat counter at the supermarket. That brings us back to ‘Free-Range Meatple’ and whatnot.”

“See how progressive we are?”

 

“I’ll have the Moo-Shu Dork, please.”

 

“I’m eating light. Do you have anything on the Vegan menu?”

 

“Do you think the Mulims would…“

 

“Leg quarters would be a huge meal on their own.”

“Perhaps you need to switch to a leaner brand.”

Be the next Problem Child

free car art to color

We’ve thrown a few free line art files up on the website for you to grab and spend some quality time with your kids this Inktober (while I neglect mine in favor of finishing a ton of last-minute SEMA Show afterthought nonsense for clients who lack the “planning” and “scheduling” genes).

Nearly two fists full of car art, ranging from street rods to kustom cars and slammed trucks, all ready to be downloaded, printed and attacked with pencils, crayons, markers or airbrush (or even by spitting ink or food coloring at them, should you be so crafty and weird – or brave, depending upon the pigments you select). Granted, these are for your fun and entertainment only, so we hope that you’ll use them to inspire the kids (or even yourself, should you wish) to get creating.

bubbletop line art


Our hope is that you’ll share these with your kids, and make some memories as Fall settles in… Or should you have forgotten the joy of putting some color down on a car drawing, that you’ll re-discover that buzz, and perhaps even bust out the pencils and get sketching some of your own…

car coloring book page

Keep in mind that these are presented in good faith, and not to be used in any other way except as stated. If you’d like a one-off piece of art, give me a shout, and we can arrange for that. After all, this is how I feed my kids, and buy them neat things like shoes and crayons to color line art with.

A big shout to our friends over at Welder Series for getting this ball rolling with us (DW ships a selection of coloring pages with each order!), and for their support of this whole mess over the years.  You know we love you guys. And not simply because you live in the land of Hockey, Tim Horton’s and poutine.

That said, we hope you enjoy the art and the memories made, and check back often as we’ll add more variety as time allows! Oh, you can grab these things here, BTW: http://bit.ly/color-these

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