The Ever-Lowering Opinion on Spider-Man as it Relates to Black Widow’s Breasts

My Family’s Dinnertime Roundtable Discussion Presents:

Spider-Man

“Why do they keep making Spider-Man suck so bad?”
“He sucks so bad his parents left.”
“And why is he like twelve in Civil War?”
(In mocking falsetto voice) “Hey, everybody! These pants are waaaaayyyyyy tiiiiiiiight!”
“He’s SUPPOSED to be young.”
“Not THAT young. He’s in High School, right? That dude hasn’t hit puberty. School must be rough.”
“Especially with such a hot Aunt. And big head. And 35 year old facial features.”
“Maybe that’s why he cries all of the time.”
“That guy quit. And he was like forty.”
“Anyway… This relaunch crap should stop. All of the other characters are progressing in real-time, right? So like Tony Stark is aging and losing his marbles, the Captain has out-lived his hot nurse friend, and the Hulk has a receding hairline. Why not age Spider-Man?”
“Black Widow may need to shift that neck line a bit.”
“Wait….WHAT??!”
“So why isn’t Spider-Man left to age and move on?”
“What about Black Widow? Are you saying that her, uh… you know. Might be sagging?”
“Yes. But Spider-Man is defying age. He is the Oil of Olay of the Marvel universe. That bastard has been sitting dormant for years. They should show the effects of that.”
“So Scarlet Johansson is looking worse for wear?”
“Be like the Hulk and get off of her.”
“Well, now…”
“If the Hulk and Black Widow could have kids, they’d need second jobs to buy all of those purple pants.”
“All I’m saying is that while every other character has done pretty well and moved on in life, Spider-Man is caught in this weird loop of suck. He hasn’t ever really had a good movie. They should portray that. Self-deprecation worked for Deadpool, right?”
“But Deadpool wasn’t some whiny douche. Between the cancer and the self-healing and whatnot, his brains are all scrambled. Yet, he moves on.”
“Exactly. He accepted his fate. Much like Black Widow and her ever-lowering boobs.”
“Enough of that.”
“They should assign her to an Avenger Space Station to help her out. Like some form of long-term disability.”
“I said ENOUGH OF THAT.”
“That’s what the costume department keeps saying.”
“Anyway… By now, Spider-Man should be a little overweight, move slowly, and show signs of depression. That mask should be hiding a huge beard, and the back of his suit should have a panel or two stitched-in to make it fit.”
“And mustard and pit sweat stains.”
“And cat hair all over it.”
“…or the bottom half of the mask is just cut away to make sliding a pizza in there easier.”
“And stretch marks from his man-boobs.”
“…but like higher on the suit than Black Widow’s.”
“Is there dessert? I hope so. We have a lot more ground to cover.”

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About drawinghotrods

I draw cars. I also provide full-service hot rod design and illustration, custom car, graphic and web design tailored to the custom automotive aftermarket, including logos, branding, project planning and research, and even apparel design. Need an ad, some copy, or a jump on social media? I do that, too. My mission is straightforward: To consistently provide the ultimate in design creativity and customer service, with an experience and artistic vision that is second to none. While working to raise the standard of automotive illustration, I seek to educate the public with regard to the labor and sacrifice required to create a work of fine art.

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