Archive | May 2016

This is the Answer You’ve Been Looking For. Or Perhaps Not.

Indecisiveness kills creativity.

…or maybe it’s procrastination. Or lack of concentration. Or constantly changing the goals. Or not knowing what you want, but knowing that when you see it that you might want it. It could be indecisiveness, after all. Or perhaps poor communication. Or even weak technical proficiency disguised as managerial prodding. Or some design-by-committee thing. Or not having a predefined idea of just where any of it is going in the first place. Or some time-management thing, maybe?

It’s a lot to think about, really. What if it’s just too damned many choices, or comfort in doing things the same fucking way they’ve always been done, and then knowing that no matter how much of a let-down it will be when the results are always the same, that the feel of that safety net always gives some reassurance in an odd way? Like being cuddled sweetly with a noose.

It brings us full-circle: Indecisiveness kills creativity. …or perhaps over-thinking the indecisiveness kills it. I’ll ask my team and get back with you.

Thought-Process Thursday

custom car rendering illustration

It’s been a while since we’ve touched upon the actual theme of this blog, that being the drawing of hot rods and all…

That in mind, I thought that you may enjoy a peek at a current project, which is nearing completion after a few years on the board and in the shop. It’s a full-custom 1970 ‘Cuda, and I literally threw everything I had at this one, working with a very skilled builder who shared my vision, and really made it a fun and collaborative project to play a part on.

The Ever-Lowering Opinion on Spider-Man as it Relates to Black Widow’s Breasts

My Family’s Dinnertime Roundtable Discussion Presents:


“Why do they keep making Spider-Man suck so bad?”
“He sucks so bad his parents left.”
“And why is he like twelve in Civil War?”
(In mocking falsetto voice) “Hey, everybody! These pants are waaaaayyyyyy tiiiiiiiight!”
“He’s SUPPOSED to be young.”
“Not THAT young. He’s in High School, right? That dude hasn’t hit puberty. School must be rough.”
“Especially with such a hot Aunt. And big head. And 35 year old facial features.”
“Maybe that’s why he cries all of the time.”
“That guy quit. And he was like forty.”
“Anyway… This relaunch crap should stop. All of the other characters are progressing in real-time, right? So like Tony Stark is aging and losing his marbles, the Captain has out-lived his hot nurse friend, and the Hulk has a receding hairline. Why not age Spider-Man?”
“Black Widow may need to shift that neck line a bit.”
“So why isn’t Spider-Man left to age and move on?”
“What about Black Widow? Are you saying that her, uh… you know. Might be sagging?”
“Yes. But Spider-Man is defying age. He is the Oil of Olay of the Marvel universe. That bastard has been sitting dormant for years. They should show the effects of that.”
“So Scarlet Johansson is looking worse for wear?”
“Be like the Hulk and get off of her.”
“Well, now…”
“If the Hulk and Black Widow could have kids, they’d need second jobs to buy all of those purple pants.”
“All I’m saying is that while every other character has done pretty well and moved on in life, Spider-Man is caught in this weird loop of suck. He hasn’t ever really had a good movie. They should portray that. Self-deprecation worked for Deadpool, right?”
“But Deadpool wasn’t some whiny douche. Between the cancer and the self-healing and whatnot, his brains are all scrambled. Yet, he moves on.”
“Exactly. He accepted his fate. Much like Black Widow and her ever-lowering boobs.”
“Enough of that.”
“They should assign her to an Avenger Space Station to help her out. Like some form of long-term disability.”
“That’s what the costume department keeps saying.”
“Anyway… By now, Spider-Man should be a little overweight, move slowly, and show signs of depression. That mask should be hiding a huge beard, and the back of his suit should have a panel or two stitched-in to make it fit.”
“And mustard and pit sweat stains.”
“And cat hair all over it.”
“…or the bottom half of the mask is just cut away to make sliding a pizza in there easier.”
“And stretch marks from his man-boobs.”
“…but like higher on the suit than Black Widow’s.”
“Is there dessert? I hope so. We have a lot more ground to cover.”

Kylo Ren and the Unviable Sperm Theory Whitepaper

Giving this much more thought than it probably deserves:

Kylo Ren.

The guy is a shit-show. He’s a fan-boy at best, and comes across as some spoiled douche who picked up a few Force tricks on YouTube, and has some ghetto-looking cosplay thing going on (“I’M NOT DARTH VADER!! I AM AN ORIGINAL CHARACTER!”). He’s like a third-rate swordsman…? Light saber… ist? Anyway, he’s the equivalent of a kid trying out the lightsaber toys at Target after just having the casts removed from his experimental arm-lengthening surgery and having spent several months on a Tilt-a-Whirl. He may have been better to go with a blaster (consider the genius of a sun lamp-powered Endocrine Blaster: BRILLIANT FLASH OF LIGHT. “Skin cancer, motherfucker!!”), or maybe just have a few henchmen… I mean aside from the Stormtroopers. Like a couple of guidos or some shit. SPACE GUIDOS. I’d buy the shit out of those action figures. But I digress. Han Solo was carbonized in Empire, and that got me thinking about how that event may partially explain just why Kylo there is such a mess. It comes down to two words:

Damaged sperm.

I’d imagine that Han’s boys didn’t have time to creep fully into a safe zone when he was dipped into the freezer. I mean, physiologically-speaking, I’m sure they were a little closer to his taint at the crucial moment than, say when he was shooting Greedo in the dick (which broaches another of my long-standing theories regarding hands being lopped-off NUMEROUS times across films, and Greedo being shot in the – where I’d be led to ASSUME it to be, anyway – dick, and the incredible undertones of Han’s post-freezer blindness and the Ewoks having arms just a touch too short to well… touch, and how all of this ties into Jedi Masturbation)… After all, he’d be pretty stressed, I’d imagine, and in fight or flight, the balls tend to move inboard and all (ironically for protection and ease of movement when running), but still, the whole process went quickly, so I’d have to imagine that there was some damage. That considered, even after a couple of years between movies (I’m thinking he and Leia probably hooked up in the treehouse at the end of Jedi, as it puts the timeline fairly close, considering Kylo’s age and whatnot… I’d bet there’s a fucking treasure trove of fan fiction out there describing that night, especially the use of more parts from IG-88), those boys were probably swimming a bit, but still relatively fucked-up. Kind of like when you just stand up after laying around for a while, or when you’re super cold, and your extremities move all slow-like. Consider that nearly twenty percent of sperm frozen in a proper sperm-freezing setting don’t survive undamaged. Now multiply that by a factor of third-tier characters in a stockroom playing with a machine manned by some rodent-faced midget things.

My hypothesis then, is that Kylo Ren, aside from having a mother with some serious daddy issues, and probably also suffering a bit from the interrogation with Darth Vader (not to mention all of her drinking in the years since… I mean holy shit, her head is easily three hat sizes larger in the new film), is probably a bit off due to Han’s genetic material, messed-up when improperly frozen and thawed. Not to mention the stresses on DNA from all of that light speed nonsense, and always fiddling with leaky reactor cores and other shit. Kylo isn’t some malleable plaything for Voldemort’s third cousin Snooky; he’s a marginally-functioning bag of skin, filled with some jambalaya of horrifically-mistreated, loosely-coiled-at-best genetics. This certainly doesn’t absolve his parents from their poor work raising the dickhead, but it could potentially go a ways in getting him some disability pay and much-needed therapy. I’d assume that the Empire has some coverage, not to mention a few advocacy groups. I offer a solution because I’m a giver.

I had gotten too busy, and neglected to post this theory in a fan forum on the fourth as a sort of digital wedgie for that crowd. Lucky for you, I decided to type it all here. And while I should have really posted it on the fifth (“Revenge of the Fifth” and all), I figured it may be even creepier to post it today, as it’s the birthday of Renz Kyle, a YouTube personality, which may be the channel that our pal Kylo got his sweet moves from, bringing this whole shit-show full-circle.

Let’s see Fallon try something this advanced.

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