Archive | March 2016

Overdub-a-dub-a-dub

Mid-Week Motion Picture Blockbuster Idea Time!
 
In today’s pitch, we examine an alternate dimension/time travel story which may work even better as a YouTube channel, as the Copyright issues are more inexpensively solved by simply shutting it down, versus paying a lot of royalties and licensing fees; not to mention saving time in meetings and all of that crap. That said, I present to you another of my “BILLION-DOLLAR FLASHES OF BRILLIANCE.”
 
In this concept, we have a film studio mogul, Fred Lerner, who is on his last dime, and desperate to help not only his studio, but that of his adopted, half-twin brother Marjeesh, whose Bollywood studio is about a half-century ahead of its time.
 
In the grand tradition of colorizing classic cinema, Lerner has this idea to concentrate on the sound of films, namely Westerns and Cowboy films, by overdubbing the Native American voices with those of actual Indians (from India). Imagine films like Stagecoach being adapted not only for profit, but to ease College kids from their safe spaces by replacing the threat of an Apache attack with something far more pedestrian:
[insert wavy filter, a-la a “Brady Bunch” dream sequence]
 
Cavalry scout: These calls are full of Windows 10 help desk scams. They’ve called every number in town.
 
[referring to Indian scout]
 
Cavalry scout: He had a brush with them last night. Says they’re being stirred up by Dave in Houston.
 
Capt. Sickel: Dave in Houston? How do we know he isn’t lying?
 
Cavalry scout: No, he’s a white guy. They hate telemarketers worse than we do.
 
…or watching Two Chicken Vindaloo for Sister Sarah, or even more modern films like Cowboys and Undocumented/Questionable Visa Status Workers, or Brokeback Call Center. That last one will be a triumph in OUR film, as Fred Lerner will call upon the talents of his colleague Jorge Dukas to assist in digitally remastering and adding a CGI sidekick, Jayjit Chirkut for comedic relief. The seventeen prequels will introduce a host of action figures and mini mall play sets.
 
In any event, the films are a success (that is, the films within OUR film… That’s not to say that they wouldn’t be better than the shit that Hollywood – or Bollywood, for that matter – crank out now), and Lerner actually jump-starts the entire Bollywood thing, which, as it turns out, was all a dream in the secondary subconscious dream world of Marjeesh, having accidentally ingested too much curry while bathing in the Ganges. It’s like “Inception” but with more poo.
 
Next time we’ll explore the fertile and as-yet unspoiled genre, the “Documentary about the Making-of Documentary Disguised as an Expose’ Wrapped in a Tribute and Served as a Converastionalist-Style Monologue Between the Multiple Personalities of a Movie Blogger Who Only Watches Sci-Fi Trailers on a Sketchy-at-Best Airline Wi-Fi Connection.”
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Enslaved by Zero

“You haven’t done enough Math-type stuff lately,” you say?

How about this:

Being Tuesday, let’s look at dividing by zero, and what it does to a Facit ESA-01 mechanical calculator. Neat (and a fine impression of a car I had in College that ate lifters as a steady diet), but what does this have to do with Tuesday? I mean aside from the fact that the resale value of that car I mentioned was precisely zero dollars.

Consider that Tuesday in many languages has connection to Mars, which, having exactly zero oceans, it has zero elevation with regard to sea level.

More? Consider that it was Merton Davies who selected a line along the crater Airy-0 a the Prime Meridian 0.0° longitude as the reference point for determining geospatial coordinates on the red planet. Davies was born on September 13, 1917, which was the 286th day of the year. Two minus eight gives us negative six, and adding six to that gives us… Zero.

All things are delicately interconnected, kids.

Spirit Animals and Blows to the Cranium

Transcendental Tuesday: Sleep Deprivation-Inspired Spiritual Hallucination Edition:

Anyone else find it statistically improbable that not one vegan who goes on some psychoactive-fueled journey EVER returns with news of their spirit animal being a Tiger Shark? I mean, as a carnivore, I once had a vision (following a pretty violent blow to the melon by an open cabinet door) that my spirit animal was broccoli, and it awakened a feeling of solidarity with the majestic green beast, and I began to wonder if tiny little birds built tiny little (well, slightly-bigger-but-tiny-in-proportion) nests within the broccoli branches, and that kinda freaked me the fuck out because accidentally chewing an itty-bitty beak would be like when you eat a clam and get some sand, and the grit is all like “CRUNCHACHRUNCHA-GRIND-GRIND-GRIND” and you have to spit it out. Only beaks would be worse, so I decided to never again eat broccoli. Also, I started a foundation (read as “tax exempt venture” or “Al Gore”) to keep zoos from displaying broccoli. To this day, not ONE municipal zoo has captive broccoli in their collection, thanks to the billions of supporters who read our propaganda, and failed biology in grammar school. But I digress.

I mean, consider that over the millennia, there had to be at least ONE vegan who craved a burger, or perhaps one Tiger Shark who, while munching on a hapless swimmer thought “you know, I need to stop this, because humans have feelings and lawn chairs that somehow wind up in the reef have a lot of fiber.” And, according to new age mumbo-jumbo, their souls must have crossed in the ether…

Food for thought the next time a bunch of you pile into Braiden’s Prius to head out to the festival: Your underarm scent may trigger an awakening in them, and then they’ll eat you. And probably your shoulder bag. And the floor mats. I mean those fuckers will eat anything, regardless of what color its aura may be. And if you have a friend named Aura, she’ll probably incite this shark-hippie hybrid much faster, because that’s how names work, so you’re best to just bike there anyway.

Fan Fiction Friday

Fan Fiction Friday, Amazon Reviews Edition:
 
Probably not what they were looking for, but then again, they seemed awfully eager to know what I had thought of the book I had just received, and not yet had the time to read… So I did what I could:
 
“PRO: I have spent many an hour pleasuring myself to the photograph of the author on the sleeve.
 
CONS: While this has been (for the most part) enjoyable, I would suggest renaming the outer cover from ‘sleeve’ to something more descriptive, like ‘crinkly, sharp-edged, glans-destroying, hard-to-clean fantasy accessory.’ Don’t get me wrong, it was much better than the cheese grater-like effect of, say, a V.C. Andrews die-cut job… And while I can certainly attribute SOME of the discomfort to technique, perhaps a warning regarding the dangers of a laceration (or MULTIPLE, perhaps) during periods of furious enjoyment would be helpful to some readers in the future.
 
Also, please suggest to the author that the photo on her next dust jacket not include her extended family, as it required some very crafty folding on my part to eliminate the effect of what can only be described as a very condescending facial expression on whom I perceive to be her pet cat, or perhaps a strangely small dog or misshapen troll creature.”
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