Archive | December 2015

Forced Fate

Perhaps it isn’t about having the courage to take that step off of the edge and fall into the unknown. Maybe the truth lies a lot closer to understanding just what exists there, and honing the ability to slow your fall to land in just the right place.

…or having the wherewithal and fearlessness to reach deep into the ether and pull that fate up toward yourself. It’s really a matter of knowing when to have your eyes open, and what to focus on, and that comes with experience, not from a book.

It’s Under There

Eagerly awaiting my next rejection letter from the good folks at Taschen regarding the sample from my latest art book idea.

It’s a coffee table photography book which explores the subgenre of “found art,” with special emphasis the on the oft-overlooked importance of Ochre and Burnt Umber pigment. While many could argue that a lot has been written on the subject of these colors with regard to underpainting, my magnum opus spins a unique yarn as a photographic exploration of underwear which really holds its own from front to back.

The Scratch-N-Sniff variation holds a lot of potential, though. Using today’s technology, one could really capture the essence.

History All Aglow

Little-known fact about Christmas Eve, via Brian’s “Lost History and Other Shit They Can’t Be Bothered to Teach You in School and Stuff Secret Bunker of Knowledge”.

Today’s installment: “All Things Are Delicately Interconnected Via Rubbers.”

Pining for his never-to-be love interest on this day back in 1933, Albert Einstein pens a letter to the woman he’s become smitten with, one Marie Curie from his New Jersey study as his wife prepares their usual evening treat, a fifth of wood alcohol and an eight ball chaser. Unbeknownst to Mrs. E, her husband is about to make history once again; this time in the field of photography.

After snapping the world’s first selfie (on the world’s first instant film camera, no less; the man was a fucking pioneer), he inscribes the photo with the words “Me equals meat squared,” and sends the image off to his crush.

Her second husband at the time, Stanley Czeirnitkovielskiweicz intercepts the pornographic portrait, and proceeds to poison his wife – whom he incorrectly perceives as being unfaithful – by utilizing a glow-in-the-dark condom that night, which he fashions from lambskin coated with radium-laced, self-luminous paint.

While the prudish history books of old may tell of her death being the result of she and her first husband Pierre staring for hours at a glowing batch of radium extracted from pitchblende, the cold reality was that it was a warm, glowing rod that sealed her fate years later via a photograph of a very disturbed (and naked) German, thus sparking the Polish-German war of 1934. As we all know, the war cam to an end with the Treaty of Lubin, wherein private manufacture of condoms was outlawed, and as a blanket punishment for the Polish people in general (based unfairly by virtue of his last name alone – Stanley was actually a Korean immigrant living under an assumed name), the Polack joke, once considered taboo, was to become the go-to icebreaker of choice in all pubs across Europe.

Two Lives Separated by Mere Letters

It’s not merely the spelling of their last names which provided for an incredibly diverse life for two gentlemen, but the careers of Smokey Yunick and Smokey Eunuch couldn’t have been any more different if they had planned them.

More Chins Than…

Let’s peek in on another family meal, shall we?

“You, uh, have something on one of your chins.”
“No… Go like nine lower.”

Ah, kids.

All Traditions Start Somewhere

Hung lights this weekend, and kept the theme simple and clean… Which was the polar opposite of my idea:

Life-size manger scene in yard.

Live action, featuring actors from local dinner theater and ex-Jim Rose Circus Sideshow performers. Gore effects by Tom Savini. Lighting and practical weather effects controlled via sweet Arduino set-up. Soundtrack streaming on local FM band for passers-by in their vehicles featuring Sound Garden’s “Birth Ritual”, “Giving Birth to a Stone” by Peach, Christopher Lee’s “A Heavy Metal Christmas” and a selection of other traditional holiday songs from Marilyn Manson. Every 45 minutes, an animatronic William S. Burroughs would rise from the lawn and read his classic The Junky’s Christmas to the kids.

A cleverly-positioned t-shirt gun distributes candy to everyone in a thirty-five foot radius at 500 feet per second, as a manner of illustrating how all good things must come through pain.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my holidays traditional as fuck.

Adventures in Dining, Episodic Meltdown Edition: “Going All Continental, Part IV”


FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!! Someone is trying to KILL ME!! Just HOW IN THE FUCK did THAT get in there?! What in the…”
“DO YOU NOT SEE IT?! IT’S A… a… Oh… never mind. It’s, uh…. I think it’s alright. OK…OK, it’s fine.
I think it’s just a caper.”

Do Something BIG.

This Christmas season, help a kid or family in need.

Each year, the tradition in our home is to not buy one another a gift. Rather, we “adopt” as many Christmas Angels as we can afford, shopping for wish list items such as clothing, jackets, school supplies and a toy or two. We always throw in some extra art and craft supplies in the hope of inspiring the next artist or designer… or maybe get their mind off of the things that are a bit too big for a kid to have to deal with. And while we can’t help every child, we can try to inspire others to do likewise, and that may help a few more in many communities across the nation.

That said, I’m closing the online store on our website through the end of the year. Please excuse any inconvenience, but I felt it beat to put my money where my mouth is, and lead by example. If you can find it within your means, please reach out locally, and try to help someone who may not be able to help themselves, and offer a helping hand.

That said, thanks for your consideration, and Merry Christmas.

More TV Show Ideas

I’m hoping to find time this week to bang out a draft of my all-new Prime-Time Action Thriller TV series starring Charlie Sheen and Bill Cosby as black-ops agents who travel the globe (and time!) to off dictators, terrorists and freestyle-rapping geniuses. Each will rely on the skills of the other, with both having help from a team of super chemists and biologists. After all, we can’t have Charlie dropping a load and the resulting damage taking several years to be effective now, can we? We have like forty-four minutes each week. If we can spring OJ, the series could go much darker.  …and in that way as well.

The working title is The AIDS Team, and we don’t expect much resistance from Stephen J. Cannell, what with him not so alive anymore.

Or how about Bruce Jenner in Half-Manimal. It could be a 15-minute time killer, backed to another series, like R Kelly’s That Ain’t 18 Yet!, which could explore bad ideas that happened in the last fifteen or so years.

Failing the action market, we simply do what Hollywood does best: Rehash the same old shit. Cosby, Sheen and Jenner in Two and a Half Men. BOOM. I smell an Emmy.

BETTER: We keep the action theme, but it’s Chuck Norris and Bruce Jenner. Same title. Hollywood loves a reboot, right? Hell, we get Peter Jackson aboard, and we can stretch this fucker to eight movies.

BETTER STILL: We reformulate The Amazing Race. In our version, we remove a vital organ, and hide it someplace on Earth, leaving only vague clues as to where it may be. IN the mid-season break cliffhanger, a contestant finds his spleen, but it’s… IN ANOTHER PERSON. And he’s hiding in a knife factory.

Next time, we’ll dive into my Facts of Life-meets-Twin Peaks conceptual game show/thriller mini-series.

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