A Man Who Needs an Introduction

Note to my future self (although, if he’s anything like everyone else, he isn’t reading this shit either): When introducing yourself to potential clients at an agency while on a conference call, kindly refrain from going about it in this manner:

“You may recognize my name from such credits as ‘Before Model #3’ in the Stridex Long Night in the Cabin at Summer Camp TV ad, Edward James Olmos’ stunt double in Battlestar Galactica: Razor (as well as The Green Hornet), and several adult film credits as ‘Throbbing Male Member Stand-In*.’ I’m appearing nightly (under a very lucrative contract with syndication potential once memory transfers are a real thing) in my own dreams, and occasionally in a passing fantasy as the voice-over guy in terrible Czechoslovakian knock-off’s of 1980’s luxury car commercials, with a slightly booze-hound swagger.”

Not sure for whom the lengthy, awkward silence was more uncomfortable, but certain at this juncture that the muffled giggling from their intern was dealt with sternly following the call.

*…which begs the question, naturally, if there is more work for a flaccid stunt penis or an erect one, motion picture-wise. I mean, certainly, you’d probably see a lot more of the latter on-screen, but I have this work-in-progress script, tentatively titled ‘Tears of a Clown,’ and it involves a lot of heavy drinking and crying. And if you’re at all familiar with the inner-workings of the male unit, you no doubt understand just how those two elements tend to be relatively counterproductive when trying to perform. And then you add a clown to it all that and holy fuck, man. I mean, sure, there could be call for a swinging ding-dong in a sweatpants-clad jogging scene… Or an awkward superhero movie wherein the power is beating people up with a giant dick. Imagine that, though: He beats up dicks USING his dick. Hell, forget that and ponder just what’s going on with his polar opposite, all Superman/Bizarro-like. I should just write an allegorical piece called ‘The Lazy Dick’, and then get on working all of this together, maybe even at the hands of a villainous clown who ties it into a balloon animal-like ordeal. Adding “Based on a True Story” would boost sales in the short term, you’d imagine. It may work best as a graphic novel, come to think of it.