Archive | October 2015

Halloween: Making it Safer for the Rest of Us

Another night of these begging little bastards with their iPhones and $200 sneakers, being dropped off in our neighborhood by yoga pant-wearing women driving Lexus and BMW SUV’s to mooch free food.

In keeping with tradition, we’ll hand out condoms in the hope that these pint-sized ingrates will take them home and prevent their parents from having any more children that they can’t feed.

Be the next Problem Child

free car art to color

We’ve thrown a few free line art files up on the website for you to grab and spend some quality time with your kids this Inktober (while I neglect mine in favor of finishing a ton of last-minute SEMA Show afterthought nonsense for clients who lack the “planning” and “scheduling” genes).

Nearly two fists full of car art, ranging from street rods to kustom cars and slammed trucks, all ready to be downloaded, printed and attacked with pencils, crayons, markers or airbrush (or even by spitting ink or food coloring at them, should you be so crafty and weird – or brave, depending upon the pigments you select). Granted, these are for your fun and entertainment only, so we hope that you’ll use them to inspire the kids (or even yourself, should you wish) to get creating.

bubbletop line art

Our hope is that you’ll share these with your kids, and make some memories as Fall settles in… Or should you have forgotten the joy of putting some color down on a car drawing, that you’ll re-discover that buzz, and perhaps even bust out the pencils and get sketching some of your own…

car coloring book page

Keep in mind that these are presented in good faith, and not to be used in any other way except as stated. If you’d like a one-off piece of art, give me a shout, and we can arrange for that. After all, this is how I feed my kids, and buy them neat things like shoes and crayons to color line art with.

A big shout to our friends over at Welder Series for getting this ball rolling with us (DW ships a selection of coloring pages with each order!), and for their support of this whole mess over the years.  You know we love you guys. And not simply because you live in the land of Hockey, Tim Horton’s and poutine.

That said, we hope you enjoy the art and the memories made, and check back often as we’ll add more variety as time allows! Oh, you can grab these things here, BTW:

I’m Not a Monster, After All

Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for the dude… I’m not a monster, after all.

But in hindsight, two things were working against the man whose stall I barged into in the restroom:

One: That door latch appeared to be in perfect working order.

Two: (and possibly more important than the first) His missing legs most certainly did not prevent him from engaging that fucking latch.

But I’M the bad guy. Perhaps my telling you that taking a “stand” over an honest mistake was, well, a mistake, but cut me some slack here. I was probably just, if not more embarrassed. And just a little freaked-out to be frank.

Bonus Script Idea #9,017,244,592

Considering that in modern-day Hollywood, virtually everything can benefit from a remake, I’m finding time to finish a script idea that could go one of two ways:

1. ZAPRUDER! becomes a musical comedy, set in a just-off-Broadway theme, but as told from an independent filmmaker who is attempting to make the stage production of a play about another independent filmmaker who happens to capture an historic event on camera (only to later record over most of it with Gong Show reruns) into a feature film, but is doing so in guerrilla style, so as to avoid paying any of the actors, using the ruse of filming a “making of the documentary about the making of the play.” It’s all very Inception meets the Twilight Zone, but with the tone of an early episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Assuming that the show were produced in the universe of A Clockwork Orange.

2. Zapruder: Rise of the Third Gunman becomes a 3-hour, single tracking shot action epic with Michael Bay-style explosions, telling the story of the Kennedy assassination… I’m leaning toward this, as the sheer joy of having Bruce Willis wander off-set in the final moments of the perfect shot leaves me tingling with anxiety.

Failing those, we could simply head back to the toilet and drop back into a parody:

inglorious bathrooms

Straw Warts Detartrated

Having a nice conversation last evening with a friend of mine, and the topic naturally turned to creative endeavors. I shared with him with my plans to write a book of palindromes, tentatively titled Never Odd or Even which would have the increased difficulty of not only starting/ending each line using a word featuring an umlaut (and, as we’re using diaereses in place of the tittles, the subject will be “surgically-enhanced titties”) but structuring the rhyme scheme around a parametric form (something based loosely on an exponential Diophantine equation), and thus arriving at a sort of hierarchy within the prose (by employing Roth’s theorem to find the consecutive pairs of smooth numbers – in this case, lines that go together – and thus arriving at some use for Størmer’s procedure and Pokemon-ing the fuck out of it by finding them all), and giving the work an entirely different meaning if you read it straight through OR solved said equation. I’ll keep you abreast of my progress, should you be interested. Or happen to have some really strong cough syrup to, you know, kick things off.

Anyway, the topic turned to making furniture, and following a lengthy discussion on the merits of using poplar or oak for the framing, we had both noted that this can become expensive over time, and add a lot of weight if one weren’t too careful in he design phase. Following much discussion, I had suggested a cheaper alternative that would allow for mass production AND neat-o instructions featuring stick figures. “After all,” I postulated, “press board has worked out well for the Swedes.”
Now, several hours following his hanging-up on me, I have yet to find out if the press board tree can even grow stateside. I believe that the fruit of the tree, a small meatball-like orb, can cause a reaction in some woodland fauna, unless of course the soil has been detartrated.

The Dangers of Poor Spelling, Episode 71: Nudity Roulette

It is “wax nostalgic,” not “whack nostalgic.”

While I may know what you had MEANT, it did not stop my brain from taking a sharp turn into “OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST PLEASE NO NO NONONONONONO!!!” Land. So yeah… thanks for that.
Today I had a moment to whack nostalgic, and considering the wonderful memories of bachelorhood during the internet boom, there was but one logical solution to come of it all: All things considered, I’m switching back to dial-up internet. My logic being that all of this high-speed goodness has removed the fun of searching for random things, or as I used to call it, “Nudity Roulette.”
The game was simple enough: You start by searching for something relatively tame (and a bit far from dirty, mind you), and then you’d find that one image that made you think twice before clicking away, but you’d go ahead anyway. In the early days, the algorithms (hang on a second… Internet. That dial-up beepy sound thing. Al Gore. Al-Gore-rhythms. Hmmm.) weren’t really dialed-in (oh, they wrote themselves, kids) yet, so you were taking shots in the dark as it were most days. And then it would begin loading, and with each row of pixels you’d be all like “Oh-kay… certainly NOT what I was expecting here, and what’s with the ocelot?” And then BAM!
The rest loads and “she” has a penis.
Oh, internet… let’s try that again and double-check the spelling of “Italian Pope” a bit closer.

It Will Be Simply Divine

No matter what effects or gimmicks or star-studded cast you throw at a movie… No matter the provenance of the script or the marketing power of the franchise, it will always pale in my eyes to John Waters’ Pink Flamingos. And that’s because no dogfight between the Millennium Falcon and seventeen TIE Fighters, nor the sinking of the Titanic or even the seamless CGI raising from the dead of James Cagney and Marilyn Monroe for an even more graphic remake of that scene on the stairs in A History of Violence can compare to the mind-etching, life-altering, stomach-churning experience of watching a three-hundred pound drag queen eat a dog turd. If art is meant to elicit a response that changes you, then yes, this trumps a midget trying to steal a ring from an animated dragon.

My thinking is that we get Bruce Jenner to bulk up, and remake that movie. I have another casting suggestion but she has a tight vacation schedule and we don’t have a lot of room in the budget for a treadmill.

Up next: We’ll cast my mash-up homage to Dirty Dancing and Scanners.

Nobody puts Revok in the corner.

It’s All About the Resale Value

underground lair

When discussing back yard landscaping, the majority of homeowners are likely to gravitate toward the classics, like a pool, or a built-in barbecue island, or perhaps a kitschy little Tiki Lounge feel. While a safe bet, any of those can still be polarizing when it’s time to sell.

This whole “home as investment/future resale value” thing in mind, we’ve opted for something a bit more unique:

Simulated landscaping (fiberglass trees, sculpted rock formations, full backdrops and lighting). Handcrafted by Hollywood set masters, it covers the electric over hydraulic lift helipad which lowers into a semi-finished underground lair.

The plan here is to market the house to a despot or super villain, as those cats have some serious buying power, and it’s usually in the form of piles of cash, or pallets of gold bars… or even German Bearer Bonds in a handy, portable canvas bag. In the listing, we’ll appeal to their inner sense of pride in evil-doing. We do this by describing the helipad and covert underground access and addressing the lack of a pool as not being so much a missing amenity, but an expansion opportunity as the neighbors are lily-livered at best, and already have a well-maintained pool. Taking over the surrounding properties would provide all sorts of additional buildings for use in crafting a compound, versus settling for a measly “hideout” like those lesser villains.

We’ll slide this gem into the ad as well: “Privacy is a must for any rogue dictator-to-be, and this property backs to a tree-lined greenbelt, providing not only sight-lines, but the potential to be easily converted and utilized as a spacious killing field, should your newest citizens attempt some coup or other nonsense.”

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