Adventures in Self-Employed ArtistLand
I’m implementing a technique that seems common when people phone the Studio. When grocery shopping, I’m going to inform the first person I come in contact with that another store has this or that at a lower price. This may prove awkward in restaurants, Dentist offices, etc, but it would appear to be a fairly common practice, and may work in my favor (it fails regularly in the Studio, FYI).
I’m also going to start dropping names of the shopping cart attendants, meat department managers and so-on that I know around town, and sprinkling in a celebrity now and then for added punch.
I’ll leave out the names, and slightly change the subject to protect the moronic, but here’s an example:
“I totally know the Crest Brothers. I was friends with them when they invented toothpaste.”
“Um… I think you’ll find that toothpaste dates back to at least the 4th century AD in Egypt.”
“I meant the stripey kind.”
“Yeah, that was Leonard Marrafino in like 1955.”
“Uh… that’s what I meant. We called him ‘Crest’ ‘Big Crest’ was the MAN.”
“You called him two people before you were born? Was he a conjoined twin toothpaste inventor? That’s really neat, and pretty bizarre. You’d think they’d have featured his toothbrush on Mysteries at the Museum or something. ‘This double-ended tooth cleaning implement was the personal grooming tool of history’s most celebrated two-in-one inventor. What secrets could it hold, and why is one side worn slightly more than the other?’ I’d watch the shit out of that.”
Yeah, it’s a fucking adventure here every day.