With only about four years remaining until the next Winter Olympics, I thought it best to get working on getting qualified. Oh, not as an athlete. There seems to be a lot of those, and that means having to compete in a very tough field. If you’re going to be a stand-out, head for the area with more empty seats, I always say.
I’m throwing my hat (as soon as I find the right one for my sort of oblong, strangely misshapen, yet endearingly goofy head) into the rink (yes, “rink”) as a Figure Skating Choreographer. I mean, I like music, sure. I like seeing people flail around to it. And when you strap some skates on those bastards, you have my attention. Yet, it just all seems so, well, limiting. I can’t have that. Thus, like all great enterprises, I’m going at this with some passion, and with an effort to be disruptive in a stagnant environment, and hoping to have my contribution to a sport memorialized in a car commercial set to a shitty song. That said, ask yourself:
What makes figure skating, for lack of a better word, “boring”?
The answer, my friend, is that the skaters perform to oddly-chosen musical pieces. OK, that, and the fact that the triple sow cow does not involve a rabid bull chasing anyone around the rink.
Ponder the genius that will crown me the Visionary Figure Skating Choreographer:
Themed story-telling. Essentially, it’s Ice Capades, but with medals, and more foreign people.
First round, you open the tale. Each additional round, you complete said tale. Imagine… That giant Simon Shnapir and his partner Marissa Castelli performing “Jack and the Beanstalk” or even “King Kong”. We set the tale, incorporating fresh moves, such as the “pick up the magic beans”, which we can alter for use in the latter idea as the “Oops, I Dropped the Map to Skull Island”, or even the “Here, Allow Me to Fetch the Camera You Dropped While Being Eaten by Giant Bugs”… or perhaps the “Hiding From the Giant”, which would bring props into the equation, moving into an act in which the tempo builds, and, via a series of lifts and tosses, our characters bring the monkey back to the mainland (or, should you be more partial to that beanstalk idea, it’s a lot of hiding and throwing). In the final round, he plays the Empire State Building, as she ascends him, and swats at his Lady Gaga-designed airplane headwear… (sadly, it would take too long to describe my idea for the Battlestar Galactica motif… or my Collage O’David Cronenberg. My “Scanners” homage would lead to huge sales of lingonberries and Clorox, I’d have to imagine. It’s mostly visual.)
Not enough? Then try Triples Skating. Ponder THAT. “Up next, the French team, and their tribute to the Three Stooges. This routine has an added difficulty level of 11.7, as it involves a hammer to the forehead.”
All I need now is a funky accent to lend credibility.
And that hat.