Slightly Off-Topic: Vampires

…yes, vampires. Late nights and store-brand coffee have taken their toll, and the mind begins to wander.

Sadly, I’m sitting here, thinking about vampires, and vampirism (actual word? Sounds all professional!) in general. I’m not thinking so much about the whole “feasting on blood” blah-blah-blah… but rather about the more subtle nuances of immortality. The stuff that books and movies never really touch on. (I am so writing this book…)

Consider: Almost all vampires have a steady stream of money pouring in. They’re financially set. You never see a vampire portrayed as waking up every day, and having to head off to work at some dead-end job. They always live in a huge, mostly victorian-era mansion with black painted everything and goofy-looking, Pier-1 derelect lighting fixtures. They never seem to have a crappy, one-bedroom apartment on the lower east side that offers parking eight blocks away. Certainly, you could argue that over the course of many generations of living and feasting on blood, that maybe they’ve gotten lucky, and made some cash. How, well, is beyond me. I mean, day trading is out by the very nature of BEING a vampire. You’re pretty much doomed to the night shift. On that note, consider how often you’d need to change jobs. Not even so much from drinking your co-workers lifeless (who’d be left to send out memo’s? And I’m doubting that any cruise ship captain would allow you to keep a casket in your quarters), but imagine if you chose to feast outside of work. What if you stained your shirt? Furthermore, someone would eventually pick up on the fact that you NEVER AGE. Someone from accounting might get a bit catty when having cake to celebrate your twenty-second year at the firm.

I’m thinking you’d have to marry into money. And many well-to-do women are looking for a trophy husband. Which opens a new can of worms: All vampires are usually very attractive. Why is this? It’s one of those survival of the fittest things, perhaps… or maybe, just maybe, vampires are a little on the shallow side. I’d select vampire pals that would be entertaining. Imagine Mr. Bean or Columbo as vampires. You’d have a blast. It seems, though, that they’re more interested in looks than much else. Observe:

vampire = no need to work

zombie = possible zombie*

Hypothesis: Good-looking people get dates, and meet other people.

Simple fact. Unattractive people are lonely (and probably write about vampire life tribulations when not drawing cars), and do not live la vida Dracula (by this I mean the whole globe-trotting, blood-sucking, sexy shimmering-in-the-forest kind of thing, not the impaling the weak and burning the poor in your castle thing. Whole other la vida there.). An attractive vampire can move up the corporate ladder easily, and amass fortunes by marrying into money, or having it thrown at them by other vampires. Unattractive vampires are usually portrayed as the lackeys, and are killed off by the stunningly handsome king vampires (or run over by holy water delivery trucks. They are to vampire life what anyone in a red shirt is to Star Trek: your ass is dead in 20 minutes.). Ponder the lonely, lonely life of an unattractive vampire. A lifetime of chat rooms and night shifts. Not a good thing.

You should also consider the hard times a modern vampire has at the supermarket, or even just eating out. “Is there any garlic in that? Oh, there is? S**t. I guess I’ll just have to lure you out back and drink of your neck. I mean, I’ll have the salad. No croutons.”

Another consideration is renewing a driver’s license.

“Age?” “744.” “Step over here for your eye test, Mr. Nosferatu.” “Can we, uh, do without the flash on the photo?”

Although, to punch a hole in that theory, you’d never be able to just go down to the DMV and renew, ‘cuz they close too early. You’d literally expire because your license did, wandering out in the daylight like that. Unless you did it online… which, of course, breeds the conspiracy theory that the DMV caters to vampires. (and why not? They obviously employ the living dead… but like the old-school living dead that move really slow and stuff. They need to upgrade to a more modern zombie… the speedy, efficient ones rule.)

I know, you’re thinking “So why the zombie talk now?”, right? I just thought that, well, if you’re too unattractive to be a vampire, I’d bet there’s a lot of work available in Zombie-ism. But that’s another thought for another time. Just trying to be helpful.

Another down-side to modern-day vampire life is underground night clubs (especially those converted from old churches — a popular thing to do in France I suppose. I’ve seen movies. I’m hip to what’s cool over there.). Obviously, to be a good vampire, you need to enjoy the club and rave scene, and develop a tolerance for crappy techno music and blinking lights. And fog machines. I wonder if the REALLY old vampires sit around and complain… “In my day, we’d take the ladies out under the stars in our coach, and seduce them with song and poetry and sonnets… and then we’d chomp into their necks and have Jeeves bury the bones. Not this thirty bajillion beats per second, dry humping crap. Whippersnappers… wouldn’t know an honest day’s bloodlust if it bit ‘em in the neck.”

…and don’t even get me started on the wonders of combining cannibalism and vampirism. It’d be a time-saver for the vampire on the go… and makes good food for thought.

*Don’t get me wrong… I love Steve Buscemi. The photo just seemed un-flattering enough to work here. I’d have used my own photo, but it’s just too eerily close to that of a real zombie, and would have made the whole point much darker than it needed to be, and would have most likely frightened the children. And speaking of which, if your kids are reading this stuff, may your maker have mercy on your soul.

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About drawinghotrods

I draw cars. I also provide full-service hot rod design and illustration, custom car, graphic and web design tailored to the custom automotive aftermarket, including logos, branding, project planning and research, and even apparel design. Need an ad, some copy, or a jump on social media? I do that, too. My mission is straightforward: To consistently provide the ultimate in design creativity and customer service, with an experience and artistic vision that is second to none. While working to raise the standard of automotive illustration, I seek to educate the public with regard to the labor and sacrifice required to create a work of fine art.

2 responses to “Slightly Off-Topic: Vampires”

  1. teeshirtsoupbob says :

    Consider that garlic mashed potatoes popped up, and became increasingly popular in places like New Orleans and NYC (known hotbeds of vampire activity). I should also mention that I have no idea if that is true or not.

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